But GOD...

How easy it is to give up? The easy path is to give up, the road less traveled is the path of pushing forward when things are difficult.  Imagine a life with no tests, where would your testimony come from? I have been through SOOOO many tests and I get tests thrown at me every single day.  As I write this I'm probably going through 3-4 different tests LOL...BUT GOD! 

My angel on earth will be 3 on Friday, if you would have told me 5 years ago that I would be a mom to a beautiful baby, I would not have believed you! I thought that my CIRCUMSTANCES were above the plans that the Lord had for me.  I thought after miscarrying twice and having a blocked fallopian tube that I would never carry a baby.  I felt like I was being punished for my previous ways, I didn't feel worthy.  The enemy planted the seeds of deception in my head and I believed it.  When I found out I was pregnant with Christian I detached myself emotionally expecting a miscarriage.  I didn't want to feel emotionally for a baby that I may never get to meet.  Instead of enjoying my pregnancy, I was just waiting for something to go wrong. I was preparing myself emotionally for what I though was inevitable.  BUT GOD! My pregnancy was another test, in addition to being emotionally detached, I was a severe anemic and needed a blood transfusion to ensure a safe delivery.  38 weeks come and the tests keep coming! My blood pressure spiked and my baby's heart rate dropped...I just thought to myself "God, I know you wouldn't bring us this far for something bad to happen now".  My delivery was high risk...BUT GOD! My beautiful baby boy was born at 10:25am on November 6, 2012 at 6 pounds and 20 inches! 

"For this child I prayed; and the LORD has given me my petition which I asked of him" 1 Samuel 1:27

What I now understand is that it wasn't in God's plan for me to have a baby prior to Christian, I wan't ready.  I wanted so bad to be a mother, but for the wrong reasons.  I also understand that God does not punish us for things we have done in the past.  As long as we confess with out mouths and ask for forgiveness, it is forgiven and forgotten! As a mother I keep unsafe things from my son because I love him, its never because I am punishing him or I dislike him.  How amazing to know that God does the same thing for us? When you realize your circumstances are temporary but the love from God is permanent and He loves you no matter what, you become free! 

To all of you woman who may be discouraged, feeling unworthy, feeling like God is punishing you or you may be going through test after test after test and you feel defeated, know that our God is a faithful God.  He doesn't stop loving or liking you when you make a mistake, He doesn't punish you for making mistakes, He does quite the opposite...He gives us His MERCY!!