I've really been struggling with whether or not to address this topic and address it head on...DEPRESSION! I touched on it briefly in my post last week but felt like I really needed to shed light on this epidemic our society faces and on my personal battle with depression. Truthfully in our society, we're taught to hide it. We put on a front like we have it all together when we are really dying on the inside. I know I am guilty of this. I've struggled with depression for more than half of my life, its often left me with feelings of shame, inadequacy, anger, hopelessness, confusion, fatigued, and the list goes on. My depression doesn't just effect me, it effects every aspect of my life, it effects my child, my sanity, peace of mind, my goals, my relationships, and friendships. Often times people who don't struggle with depression, don't understand it. I mean I'm sure everyone has times in life where it seems like everything around them is going wrong, they get a little depressed, that's temporary. Mostly dependent upon circumstances and usually when circumstance improve so does the way they feel. For me it's the opposite, most days are a challenge. Simple things like being motivated to do basic household chores become a challenge. When you have depression, it doesn't take much to become anxious or overwhelmed. A lot times I am so frustrated that I even have to deal with it, that it's even apart of my life. I don't know if that makes sense but its like I get angry because I have it, angry at myself that I can't just snap my fingers and be better or mad at God because at anytime He can deliver it from me, but he hasn't.
This past week I feel like my depression really came to a head. This past week I realized that my depression has effected the one person I love most in this world...my son! that realization rocked me to my core and scared every part of my being. Depression again left me with feels and inadequacy worse than I've ever felt before. Again ANGRY! Again angry with God. Why give me this little being to love, protect, and take care of but then not be able to enjoy him as much as I'd like because of depression? There are days when my depression is worse than others, when instead of coming home enjoying time with my son, I'm instantly overwhelmed and I just want to come home and sleep. How fair is that to him? It's not! My heart breaks for him and I don't want him to see me as weak because I couldn't deal. Truthfully I want to be his hero and I want him to see the best side of me! In the midst of all of thoughts, I had one thought that shifted my thoughts tremendously. That thought was that God is using my depression to draw me near to Him!!! In no way, shape, or form, am I saying that God gave me depression but I strongly believe God uses our struggles to draw us closer to Him and that's exactly what He's done.
See, I've realized if I don't draw near to God, this life, this world, my depression, will literally suck the life out of me. That's not what I want and I know that's not what God wants for me either. Last night I watched the movie about the life of Martin Luther and something he said really stood out to me. In the midst of him not feeling like he was good enough for God (inadequacy), dealing with his struggles, and depression, He fell to his face and said, "I am yours, God save me." That's the point I reached last week, I can't fix me but God can. See I belong to God, I am His, and if my suffering are part of His plan to share the Gospel, then so be it. All I can do is fall to my face and say, "I am yours, God save me." See His plans are better for my life than any plan I could ever come up with for myself. Depression is real, its apart of me, I don't understand it, but I know God has a plan for my life, a good plan. ~For I know the plans I have you declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and future.~Jeremiah 29:11. I don't know what that plan looks like but I know there's purpose in my pain. I am never going to understand everything that happens in life and if I try, it will only lead to a life of misery. But if I keep my hope anchored in God, knowing He is good and sovereign, then He will give me peace that surpasses all understanding (Phillipians 4:7)
One of the biggest makes you can make is trying to deal with depression on your own. That's playing with fire and I've tried it, it doesn't work. The best decision I made was going to counseling. I've also shared my battle with depression with some of my church family, it gives me some accountability and also allows them to be there for me, check on me. It doesn't take away my depression but allows it to be more manageable, it gives me an outlet, it gives me control. In the midst of it, I still choose God. in the midst of it I can say, " I am yours, God save me." One thing I know for sure is no matter what I am going through, I will always need God, I will always need a savior, I will always need to say, "God save me." If you are battling depression, I encourage you to reach out and get help. Don't do it alone, its not possible. We all need God, we all need help, we all need others behind us, pushing us forward in our life with Christ!
I love you all and I sincerely pray for you all!
Sincerely,
Your Sister in Christ
No comments:
Post a Comment