Focus

I have honestly not been motivated this last week, I feel like I have been out of touch with God lately.  I haven't been reading my daily Bible readings, I have half-hardheartedly been praying, I just overall feel like I have just been on the outs with God.  I wasn't even motivated to write this week, then I remembered what my purpose is and why this blog was started in the first place.  This blog was started to motivate and encourage others and sometimes we are the ones who need to be motivated and encouraged! 

I had been praying for the Lord to remove anything that was not like him, anything that means me no good and anything that was no longer beneficial in my life.  When I  tell you He did it immediately...He did it immediately...I was not ready! These things that were unlike him, these things that meant me no good and were no longer beneficial, turned out to be people too! That part somehow slipped my mind when I was praying.  People became inconsistent and I would wonder why but continue to allow them to be inconsistent...how foolish of me to waste my time and energy! I can admit that I was not ready to let go of some of those inconsistent people, I wanted them in my life for my own fleshly reasons.  I prayed for something, my prayers were answered and I was still allowing myself to be put back into the same situations, with the same people expecting different results...insanity and disobedience at its finest!

When we pray for something and it's not given to us on our time we have a fit and start to question God, when He gives us what we ask for and we aren't ready for it, we have a fit and question God.  This is a cycle that I want to break! I want to be able to pray to God asking and expecting! When it doesn't come on my time I want to be able to understand that things don't work on my time.  When I get what I ask for I want to be prepared to be obedient.  I asked God to remove these things because I could see that I was becoming distracted, which is why I have been unmotivated to spend time with God.  Anything that keeps me from the Lord HAS TO GO! PERIOD! 

Now that these things and people are being removed from my life I am able to refocus on the Lord who is my first priority.  Strengthening my relationship with God is very important to me.  Anyone who is in my life has to have the same focus or there will always be a conflict of interest and God will always prevail! 


"For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want." Galatians 5:17

I pray that you all are encouraged and motivated to continue to strengthen your relationship with God! 

I am yours, God save me

I've really been struggling with whether or not to address this topic and address it head on...DEPRESSION! I touched on it briefly in my post last week but felt like I really needed to shed light on this epidemic our society faces and on my personal battle with depression. Truthfully in our society, we're taught to hide it. We put on a front like we have it all together when we are really dying on the inside. I know I am guilty of this. I've struggled with depression for more than half of my life, its often left me with feelings of shame, inadequacy, anger, hopelessness, confusion, fatigued, and the list goes on. My depression doesn't just effect me, it effects every aspect of my life, it effects my child, my sanity, peace of mind, my goals, my relationships, and friendships. Often times people who don't struggle with depression, don't understand it. I mean I'm sure everyone has times in life where it seems like everything around them is going wrong, they get a little depressed, that's temporary. Mostly dependent upon circumstances and usually when circumstance improve so does the way they feel. For me it's the opposite, most days are a challenge. Simple things like being motivated to do basic household chores become a challenge. When you have depression, it doesn't take much to become anxious or overwhelmed. A lot times I am so frustrated that I even have to deal with it, that it's even apart of my life. I don't know if that makes sense but its like I get angry because I have it, angry at myself that I can't just snap my fingers and be better or mad at God because at anytime He can deliver it from me, but he hasn't.


This past week I feel like my depression really came to a head. This past week I realized that my depression has effected the one person I love most in this world...my son! that realization rocked me to my core and scared every part of my being. Depression again left me with feels and inadequacy worse than I've ever felt before. Again ANGRY! Again angry with God. Why give me this little being to love, protect, and take care of but then not be able to enjoy him as much as I'd like because of depression? There are days when my depression is worse than others, when instead of coming home enjoying time with my son, I'm instantly overwhelmed and I just want to come home and sleep. How fair is that to him? It's not! My heart breaks for him and I don't want him to see me as weak because I couldn't deal. Truthfully I want to be his hero and I want him to see the best side of me! In the midst of all of thoughts, I had one thought that shifted my thoughts tremendously. That thought was that God is using my depression to draw me near to Him!!! In no way, shape, or form, am I saying that God gave me depression but I strongly believe God uses our struggles to draw us closer to Him and that's exactly what He's done.


See, I've realized if I don't draw near to God, this life, this world, my depression, will literally suck the life out of me. That's not what I want and I know that's not what God wants for me either. Last night I watched the movie about the life of Martin Luther and something he said really stood out to me. In the midst of him not feeling like he was good enough for God (inadequacy), dealing with his struggles, and depression, He fell to his face and said, "I am yours, God save me." That's the point I reached last week, I can't fix me but God can. See I belong to God, I am His, and if my suffering are part of His plan to share the Gospel, then so be it. All I can do is fall to my face and say, "I am yours, God save me." See His plans are better for my life than any plan I could ever come up with for myself. Depression is real, its apart of me, I don't understand it, but I know God has a plan for my life, a good plan. ~For I know the plans I have you declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you, not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and future.~Jeremiah 29:11. I don't know what that plan looks like but I know there's purpose in my pain. I am never going to understand everything that happens in life and if I try, it will only lead to a life of misery. But if I keep my hope anchored in God, knowing He is good and sovereign, then He will give me peace that surpasses all understanding (Phillipians 4:7)


One of the biggest makes you can make is trying to deal with depression on your own. That's playing with fire and I've tried it, it doesn't work. The best decision I made was going to counseling. I've also shared my battle with depression with some of my church family, it gives me some accountability and also allows them to be there for me, check on me. It doesn't take away my depression but allows it to be more manageable, it gives me an outlet, it gives me control. In the midst of it, I still choose God. in the midst of it I can say, " I am yours, God save me." One thing I know for sure is no matter what I am going through, I will always need God, I will always need a savior, I will always need to say, "God save me." If you are battling depression, I encourage you to reach out and get help. Don't do it alone, its not possible. We all need God, we all need help, we all need others behind us, pushing us forward in our life with Christ!


I love you all and I sincerely pray for you all!


Sincerely,
Your Sister in Christ

Fatherless Daughters

They say a girl's first true love is her father, but what about the girls who don't have a father or a father figure in their lives? How do these girls grow to experience the love of a father? How do these girls grow to understand what a healthy relationship looks like? What a man loving a woman looks like? 

I just want you to be encouraged and to understand that God may have used your father to bring you into this world and then removed him from your life to protect you.  Rejection is God's protection, even when your father is the one rejecting you.  I want you to be encouraged and to understand that, no you didn't deserve to be left behind by your father, but that does not define you.  I unfortunately know how it feels to yearn for your father's love and attention, to want to do right so he acknowledges you.  Growing up with a father who was there financially, but not emotionally took a toll on how I carried myself.  I didn't understand how a man was supposed to treat a woman because I didn't have my father there on a consistent basis and my mother was a single parent.  As a woman when you don't know how a man is supposed to treat you, you settle for less than what you deserve and you misconstrue what love really is.  It seems like I was constantly on the search for love and I was always left feeling empty and disappointed.  

One day in the midst of my quest for love, I was doing my hair listening to Pastor R.A Vernon preach on tv.  He was speaking about knowing your worth as a woman.  I literally broke down in tears, at the tender age of 21, I had never known what my worth was! I get so emotional when I think about the woman I once was, even more emotional when I see other young women on the same path for the same reason...no father.  I held onto so much resentment and hatred towards my father, but it was only hurting ME! I couldn't understand at that time that forgiveness is not for the other person, but for ME! 

As I grew older and became closer to God I realized that I was carrying a large load on my shoulders unnecessarily! All I had to do was forgive my father and move beyond those circumstances instead of allowing them to control me.  There are a lot of us fatherless daughters in the world and we can either choose not to forgive our fathers and move past our circumstances, or we can choose to trust in the Lord to provide and forgive those that hurt us.  

And, "I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty." 2 Corinthians 6:18 

We have great comfort in knowing that our spiritual Father will never leave or forsake us! We don't have to go above and beyond to get God's attention or love, He created us, He loves us just the way we are and when we make mistakes, He won't leave you.  I know its hard when you want to just be loved, but I want you to know that the love of God is bigger than ANY man's love! Seek Him instead of an earthly man, trust Him and love Him! 

"Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:6 

Ladies, I sincerely pray that you find comfort in these words, comfort in knowing that you ARE loved, you don't have to chase someone to make them love you.  You have someone who loves you no matter what you do! Always remember, you are beautiful and your circumstances, nor situations define you! 

Love you! 

Friendships

I was skeptical on writing this topic I thought at first it would be offensive or misinterpreted  toward others but after praying on it, it was decided that my transparency and honesty wins.  When I was younger in grade school I had a hard time adjusting and making friends not because I was strange or couldn't get along with others, only because I was shy. I remember eating lunch alone from Kindergarten until second grade I was picked on and called names almost daily. Being bullied day after day, month after month and year after year started to weigh on me. Not until one day I was approached by a young lady after I had stepped on her blocks clumsily( all because of house shoe day)  I was recognized,  at first there was a little hostility but over time we learned that we had the same similarities and even lived in close proximity to one another.

Over time I grew to  hold my friend in high regard always looking out for her always spending the night with one another and defending one another. We were best friends until the end and even had the matching bracelets that we had made to prove it. Before I met my "friend" I used to play with my Barbie dolls, cabbage patch kids and was even involved in dance class. I loved to tap dance and loved to play with my dolls dressing them up and taking care of them. I was told that I was uncool and all of those dolls that I had were juvenile and I stopped playing with them and at age 11 I stopped dance class as well.

In growing up and looking back on all of my sacrifices that I made to adjust to someone else' s liking I can't believe that I could bend so much. I was actually feeling like I had to give up all of the things that made me happy, that I liked just to fit in? I thought why would I do that? Being noticed and or loved was important to me I needed a friend I craved friendship and acceptance my whole life had been about pleasing others. Not until I was an adult did I first comprehend that the things that made me happy as long as they were pleasing to God. I did not commit any crime I've always been there for all of my friends but countless amounts of time I can remember when I needed a friend the most. NEEDED not wanted a huge difference a simply venting or how was my day, a shoulder to lean on or a reminder on behavior or scripture.

I have come to realize that sometimes friends come and go most are not forever just like the bible talks about different seasons . At first Thessalonians 5:11- Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing . My whole entire point is when you have a friend your duty is to build one another up with strong encouraging words and compassion. Do the things that you love to do with the conviction of God and his word. Love one another and be there for one another without turning away or being wicked. I want each and every one of you to be there for your fellow brother and sister and be transparent to your friend with honesty in a loving fashion. Hold no grudges, keep no record of what has been wronged be free to love and forgive one another. To allow this to happen I have prepared a prayer and scripture for us all to consider. At 1 Cor13:4-8 It talks about love I wont recall the whole scripture so that you may look it up and trust me curiosity will have you look it up.

Prayer Starter: Dear God please keep my eye simple and not get discouraged Lord allow me to accept the things that I cannot change and allow love and forgiveness to coincide in my heart with one another. God please allow me to change for the better and learn that we are all imperfect, and pray for comfort in me as well as my friends and foes. Thank you God for this opportunity to grow closer to you God through my heart and mind being cleansed of anguish and lingering thought of opposition.
All of these things We pray through your sons Name JESUS CHRIST AMEN.

Faith and Fellowship

At this very moment my heart is so full! Full because my day has been filled with fellowship with my church family. Never would I have imagined I'd be at this point in my life where I really enjoy people so much, where I'm genuinely excited and look forward to being around people, but not just any people, Gods people. Man, there is something freeing about being in His presence with people that all have the same common goal. The goal of loving God, loving people, being obedient, serving Him, serving others, and truly living life together as God has called us to do so. I don't know, I wish I could put into words what I'm really feeling right now, it's so surreal. My heart is overflowing with joy simply because I spent the day in fellowship, getting to know others, and allowing them to get to know me.


For the most part, I've always been a loner, don't get me wrong I have friends but I've kept myself isolated from people because of my fear of rejection and being judged...basically to keep myself from getting hurt. For a long time I thought that was the best way to be but as I've grown closer to God, he's began to change my heart, I've realized we were meant to do life together, and I've realized how much it's hindered me. We are suppose to bear with one another in love, be there through the good and the bad, the ups and the downs, the pain, the heartbreaks, the victories, everything! "Bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ."-Galatians 6:2


Being alone, letting fear and rejection control my life has left me battling depression and anxiety more than I'd care to admit. For a long time, longer than I could remember, I felt like no one could understand how I felt or what I was going through. No one could possibly understand the feelings of hopelessness and despair I felt but that's a lie. A lie the enemy tells us to keep us from fellowship and communion with others. See the thief comes only to steal, kill, and destroy; but God has come to give us life, and have it to the full.-John 10:10. Not life alone but together, when God created Adam, he created Eve, "it is not good for man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him."- Genesis 2:18. We were never meant to do life alone but together. As I slowly begin to open myself up, let people in and get to know them, I've realized we're all battling a lot of the same feelings. Maybe I don't understand a particular situation you've been through but I know what it's like to be angry, sad, hurt, confused, asking God "why me?" or "why didn't you stop this from happening?" I know what it's like to carry guilt, shame, and embarrassment, not wanting anyone to pity you so you deal with it all on your own, and I am darn sure you all know these feelings as well. It's what you do what these feelings that matter, do you let them control you or do you control them? Easier said than done, trust me, I know, I totally get it! For a long time I let these lies control me and I say lies because anything that comes against God's word is a LIE!


There's comfort and most importantly peace in knowing that I don't have to go through life alone anymore. When I fall, when I'm depressed, or anxious, I have now have this amazing church family to lift me up, encourage me, pray for me, to just simply be there. When you fall and you're alone, its hard to get up but MY GOD when you have people to help you it's hard to stay down, they will not allow you to stay down. " Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up. Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."-Ephesians 4:9-12


As I walk through this journey called "life," I've realized the importance of being connected to a church, to God's people. My sincere prayer for you is that you will be blessed with what I've discovered in my church family. I've been blessed with this privilege to share my life with some pretty amazing people and so have you, you just have to take a tiny step of faith and put yourself out there. If your anything like me you go to church and try to dart out the door as soon as church is over (God has not delivered me from this yet but what can I say? I'm a work in progress...lol) but I would encourage you all to allow people to come beside you, love you, and encourage you! The hardest and most important step is you taking the first step, open yourself up even its just sharing something small, it gets easier and God will reward those tiny steps of faith. Trust me, I'm speaking from experience.


If you don't have a church family or are unsure where to start, please don't hesitate to ask for help. I am more than willing to help in anyway that I can!


Until next time,
Your Sister in Christ

But GOD...

How easy it is to give up? The easy path is to give up, the road less traveled is the path of pushing forward when things are difficult.  Imagine a life with no tests, where would your testimony come from? I have been through SOOOO many tests and I get tests thrown at me every single day.  As I write this I'm probably going through 3-4 different tests LOL...BUT GOD! 

My angel on earth will be 3 on Friday, if you would have told me 5 years ago that I would be a mom to a beautiful baby, I would not have believed you! I thought that my CIRCUMSTANCES were above the plans that the Lord had for me.  I thought after miscarrying twice and having a blocked fallopian tube that I would never carry a baby.  I felt like I was being punished for my previous ways, I didn't feel worthy.  The enemy planted the seeds of deception in my head and I believed it.  When I found out I was pregnant with Christian I detached myself emotionally expecting a miscarriage.  I didn't want to feel emotionally for a baby that I may never get to meet.  Instead of enjoying my pregnancy, I was just waiting for something to go wrong. I was preparing myself emotionally for what I though was inevitable.  BUT GOD! My pregnancy was another test, in addition to being emotionally detached, I was a severe anemic and needed a blood transfusion to ensure a safe delivery.  38 weeks come and the tests keep coming! My blood pressure spiked and my baby's heart rate dropped...I just thought to myself "God, I know you wouldn't bring us this far for something bad to happen now".  My delivery was high risk...BUT GOD! My beautiful baby boy was born at 10:25am on November 6, 2012 at 6 pounds and 20 inches! 

"For this child I prayed; and the LORD has given me my petition which I asked of him" 1 Samuel 1:27

What I now understand is that it wasn't in God's plan for me to have a baby prior to Christian, I wan't ready.  I wanted so bad to be a mother, but for the wrong reasons.  I also understand that God does not punish us for things we have done in the past.  As long as we confess with out mouths and ask for forgiveness, it is forgiven and forgotten! As a mother I keep unsafe things from my son because I love him, its never because I am punishing him or I dislike him.  How amazing to know that God does the same thing for us? When you realize your circumstances are temporary but the love from God is permanent and He loves you no matter what, you become free! 

To all of you woman who may be discouraged, feeling unworthy, feeling like God is punishing you or you may be going through test after test after test and you feel defeated, know that our God is a faithful God.  He doesn't stop loving or liking you when you make a mistake, He doesn't punish you for making mistakes, He does quite the opposite...He gives us His MERCY!! 

Thank The LORD

Wow Not relying on your own understandings is amazing.... I mean when you finally let go and let God the rewards and blessings that follow are incredible. God heard my prayers I cried day and night questioning God why was everyone around me getting New things like homes or cars but I was stuck. I started to feel like I was worthless I mean we are a family of 6 and having to live in some one else's home was definitely not on my list. I prayed to God for a solution but I did something wrong I expected a solution (right now) on my own time. I remember crying about my living circumstances to my friends and even to other family members, when one day I was reminded that at least I have somewhere to lay my head at night and cook meals.
God knows the heart and he knows what is needed, when to provide it and how much we can take. I want to praise God and thank him for the constant reminders that #1 I am not alone, #2 Trust in his word and most importantly of all after all of my 29 years on Earth I finally have patience. I am a true living testament of how relying on your own understandings and trying to make your own paths do not work. I am blessed to say that I have the opportunity to be alive and have learned from my former bad decision making. Praise God that with diligence, supplication, prayer and patience we have found a home our home a perfect price, location and fit for us. We will be close enough to our family if we need any help but far enough that no one can just drop by when ever they would like to. Proverbs 3:5- Trust in the LORD with all of your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. I whole heartedly believe in this scripture and now have a divine since of relief.
It is amazing to me that God just knows your heart before all of us were born or even thought of our lives were mapped out Start to Finish. Our God is literally Awesome I just want to thank him for all of the blessings that we have gotten thus far and all of the lessons and blessings we will have yet to come. If you are feeling down and alone remember that your storm is temporary it is a nudge a shoulder tap from the LORD turn around, turn towards me. The LORD requests your presence and needs your love so that he may bless you with great abundance. Us as people we are not meant to struggle and just barely make it by.. I urge you to change something in your life and read the bible get closer to GOD and your situation WILL change.